I want it to be real.

It's been a year of struggles.

Internal struggles. Hurts and disappointments. Growth. Heartaches. Real gratitude. A year of learning... lots of learning.

I think I am doing good and getting things figured out, and then I fail. I fall into a miserable heap. I realize I'm human. I'm not perfect. In fact I'm a hypocrite. I wonder if I present myself to people and make them think that I am super woman, that I can do it all, that I have it all together. Instead I want to say...

Hey you get upset at your kids? Me too!

You're house is a disaster. Phew I'm glad I'm not alone.

Oh you got sucked into the computer and emerged later only to find your day wasted. I know that feeling!

It's been days since you've opened your scriptures? Even longer since you've felt like you've had a real spiritual experience? I'm missing it too.

and it could go on....

Maybe that's why I just haven't been able to blog.... I felt like a hypocrite in everything I wrote. Maybe I wanted to write what I was really struggling with. Maybe that would require I open up and show you my heart and that was way tooo risky...

Maybe I wanted this to be more than just a daily post about what I or my family has done.

Maybe I wanted something more for my grandchildren and kids. I wanted them to know how I felt as I lived life. I wanted them to know that I hurt, that I feared, that I loved, that I laughed, that I cried.... that I had a heart.

Maybe I wanted it to be real. Really real.

That's what I want now. I know I've mentioned before other hopes for this blog. But deciding that I couldn't blog.... I had nothing to write, nothing to say, it all seemed empty. What I really want to show you is Shalae. Me living the life God gave me.... the stories that make up the unique individual that I am. The unique experiences I will go through that teach me about God and his ways, and that make me who I am. I want to start telling you a story about my heart.

The post The Unknown was my start of trying to do this. Showing you my heart and acknowledging God's hand in all of it. What am I learning about and experiencing right now. I'm going to share my journey.