Small and Simple Things

I always seem to have a list of a hundred things to do, and a desire to do them all. I get started on one project, and it either never gets finished, or it is the only thing I spend my time on and nothing else gets done.

My friend Kimmy and I were talking about how we take this big things we want to do, and big projects that need working on and it is just overwhelming and it seems like we get no where. But when we take things and do them in smaller chunks over time, it's amazing how all the little things start adding up.

This scripture

"But behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise." Alma 37:6

Though thy beginning was small, yet thy latter end should greatly increase." Job 8:7

Why Not?

As a mother I too quickly squash my children's ideas because I think they'll be a hassle or create even more work for me. Or sometimes it just seems so insensible at the time.

I don't believe this is a good thing for me to be doing. How are they going to develop this creativity if I'm always saying no. How are they going to learn to think outside of the box if I say no? How are they going to enjoy the little things and experience life's joys if I'm always saying no?

The other night was no exception. We had two or three cardboard boxes in our front room from some current purchases. The kids were cutting them up making cars, doggie houses, and any other random item that they needed right then for their play world. In the process of making doggies houses, they created one for Isaac, the doggy. It was only about 2 feet by 2 feet. The one side was completely open, the opposite side had a large hole cut out. When laying on the ground he could stick his head in the box and out the hole. If he curled up tight enough, most of his body could fit inside the box too.

It soon became time for bed. Groaning from the ranks ensued and Issac immediately asked "Can I sleep in my box?!" I immediately opened my mouth, to say "no way, you can play in it tomorrow," when Beau exclaimed "Sure buddy!" I gave him a look, questioning his own sanity when he smiled, said "look" and nodded towards Isaac. The little boy was grinning from ear to ear, so excited. He grabbed his box and dad helped him put it in his room on the floor, helped him get his head inside and out the other end so it could lay on his pillow and tucked him in.

He stayed in bed, didn't put up his usual fight, and fell asleep. I didn't think another thing of it. The next morning he rolled into the kitchen rubbing his eyes and Beau asked, "How did you sleep buddy!" He smiled and said good. I then remembered. "Did you sleep in that box ALL night?" I asked incredulous.

"Yep!" was the reply accompanied with the largest, proudest grin a little boy could carry.

Really what did it hurt? He had the time of his life. He did something out of the normal. He pretended all night, and he was proud of himself. I say no to too many things, when there really is no good valid reason why not to do it. Why not them really be kids. Maybe they'll show me how to enjoy those small things life are made of.

I want it to be real.

It's been a year of struggles.

Internal struggles. Hurts and disappointments. Growth. Heartaches. Real gratitude. A year of learning... lots of learning.

I think I am doing good and getting things figured out, and then I fail. I fall into a miserable heap. I realize I'm human. I'm not perfect. In fact I'm a hypocrite. I wonder if I present myself to people and make them think that I am super woman, that I can do it all, that I have it all together. Instead I want to say...

Hey you get upset at your kids? Me too!

You're house is a disaster. Phew I'm glad I'm not alone.

Oh you got sucked into the computer and emerged later only to find your day wasted. I know that feeling!

It's been days since you've opened your scriptures? Even longer since you've felt like you've had a real spiritual experience? I'm missing it too.

and it could go on....

Maybe that's why I just haven't been able to blog.... I felt like a hypocrite in everything I wrote. Maybe I wanted to write what I was really struggling with. Maybe that would require I open up and show you my heart and that was way tooo risky...

Maybe I wanted this to be more than just a daily post about what I or my family has done.

Maybe I wanted something more for my grandchildren and kids. I wanted them to know how I felt as I lived life. I wanted them to know that I hurt, that I feared, that I loved, that I laughed, that I cried.... that I had a heart.

Maybe I wanted it to be real. Really real.

That's what I want now. I know I've mentioned before other hopes for this blog. But deciding that I couldn't blog.... I had nothing to write, nothing to say, it all seemed empty. What I really want to show you is Shalae. Me living the life God gave me.... the stories that make up the unique individual that I am. The unique experiences I will go through that teach me about God and his ways, and that make me who I am. I want to start telling you a story about my heart.

The post The Unknown was my start of trying to do this. Showing you my heart and acknowledging God's hand in all of it. What am I learning about and experiencing right now. I'm going to share my journey.

How do you express....

how grateful you are for:

• Moments catching my 2 yr old singing primary songs at the top of her voice.
• Mybest friend - Beau. Heavenly Father not only knew what I needed he gave me the absolute best.
• Hard trials that teach me life lessons, despite how many tears are shed through them.
• Nature and it's amazing power to soothe and heal.
• A visiting teaching companionship I was scared to death about, and turned into the greatest blessing of my life.

• My immediate family - parents and siblings, and how they love me despite all my faults.
• My extended family who reaches out and makes me feel part of their family.
• The many opportunities the Lord has given me to grow, learn, develop talents and skills, opportunities to learn leadership and to grow spiritually.
• Amazing people that are constantly coming and going in my life leaving their mark forever one my heart.
• A Savior who never gives up on me, and gives me opportunities to feel his mercy and love.
• The restored gospel. The plan of Salvation. Priesthood Power. The Atonement. Covenants. Promises of Eternal Families and Eternal Life. Prayer. Answers to prayers. Unanswered prayers. The Book of Mormon, Bible and other scriptures. A Living Prophet. The Relief Society.
• Those tiny every day moments that bring a smile to both my face and heart.

The Unknown

I don't think he realized what it would really be like.

No hot meals for 4 days.

A disaster everywhere he turned in the tiny one room apartment.

No place to sit.

No place to eat.

No clean laundry.

Tears.... lots of tears.

Favors. Requests.

Stress.

No time to study for his own exams.

We had only been married two months if that.

He said he wanted to support me in my art.

Now in the chaos is this what he really wanted?

Four months earlier, we sat in a car as friends talking. I ended up pouring out my heart's desire to create art. Not just any art. Art that pulled at your heartstrings, pulled at your memories, your fears, your desires. Art that led you to him who could wipe away all tears, bind up broken hearts and shattered dreams. Art that taught you who he was and how to let him succor you. Art that left you wanting more... of him.

I had felt those strong, incredible promptings and desires at certain points in my life. Three months prior to that quiet evening in the car, I had gotten a very distinct prompting to stop running from it and start acting in faith. I felt without any doubt in my mind I was supposed to stop teaching, and create art. It scared me to death one minute and made me breathless with excitement in the next. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't see how I could support myself while doing it if I had no job, yet I wanted to do it so very badly. I listened to fears and others. In the end I procrastinated. I told myself I would build up to it and quit next year. I gave into the fear and didn't act.

As we sat together in the car that evening. I shared with him these desires, this specific prompting and the struggle it brought with it. Then I shared what I truly felt in my heart.

"I'm afraid I made the wrong decision."

Still to this day I wonder the same.

"Did I make the wrong decision? Did I loose my chance?"

I wonder as he looked around him at the mess, at his wife who was so consumed in finishing up a piece of artwork that she had forgotten him, if this is what he really wanted. The only answer he gave me in the car that night was a listening ear, nods of understanding and a simple statement.

"You know what your answer is don't you? Get married and let your husband support you so you can do art."

What he didn't say out loud at the time was this:

"Let me be that person."

It's been over eight years. Eight years since he saw me spill rubbing alcohol all over the artwork that I had been consumed with for 4 days. Holding his breath knowing that I had just ruined 4 days of work, and that the deadline for the juried exhibit I was trying for was tomorrow. He watched for my reaction thinking how calm I was, only to realize it truly was as bad as he thought when he saw the tears start to roll down my face and the sobs start to come. All he could do was hold me and let me cry.

He had became that person.

He has watched me over and over the last eight years, try to figure out what to do with this burning desire in my heart. He's watched me be creative in other areas, as I hoped that it would satisfy this feeling in my heart, only to have it give temporary relief. He has watched me sit for days with my mind so consumed with reoccuring questions, thoughts and dreams. "Did I make the wrong decision?" "Where would I be now if I had done something differently?" "Should I be doing it now?" "Is it to late to ask the Lord forgiveness and see if I can begin again."

I just want to paint.

He has seen the Lord guiding me and teaching me a long the way. Blessing me. Providing opportunities. Sending people. Increasing my talents. And always calling after me.

A month ago... I heard that call again. Shalae have faith and do what your supposed to do.

I heard it again and again as we stood holding hands in front of 1, 2, 3 very large paintings of the Christ. I felt my heart leap into my throat, and the tears starting to well in my eyes. They were beautiful. They were what I wanted... I someday want to create something like this.

Maybe it isn't too late.

It's been eight years since I spilled the rubbing alcohol. Two more of these competitions have come and gone. I have only been the viewer of them. The ninth one is coming up. I'd have a year instead of 4 days. What would he think if I told him I was going to go for it. How will he respond?

He'll smile.

Because he is that person.