The Unknown

I don't think he realized what it would really be like.

No hot meals for 4 days.

A disaster everywhere he turned in the tiny one room apartment.

No place to sit.

No place to eat.

No clean laundry.

Tears.... lots of tears.

Favors. Requests.

Stress.

No time to study for his own exams.

We had only been married two months if that.

He said he wanted to support me in my art.

Now in the chaos is this what he really wanted?

Four months earlier, we sat in a car as friends talking. I ended up pouring out my heart's desire to create art. Not just any art. Art that pulled at your heartstrings, pulled at your memories, your fears, your desires. Art that led you to him who could wipe away all tears, bind up broken hearts and shattered dreams. Art that taught you who he was and how to let him succor you. Art that left you wanting more... of him.

I had felt those strong, incredible promptings and desires at certain points in my life. Three months prior to that quiet evening in the car, I had gotten a very distinct prompting to stop running from it and start acting in faith. I felt without any doubt in my mind I was supposed to stop teaching, and create art. It scared me to death one minute and made me breathless with excitement in the next. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't see how I could support myself while doing it if I had no job, yet I wanted to do it so very badly. I listened to fears and others. In the end I procrastinated. I told myself I would build up to it and quit next year. I gave into the fear and didn't act.

As we sat together in the car that evening. I shared with him these desires, this specific prompting and the struggle it brought with it. Then I shared what I truly felt in my heart.

"I'm afraid I made the wrong decision."

Still to this day I wonder the same.

"Did I make the wrong decision? Did I loose my chance?"

I wonder as he looked around him at the mess, at his wife who was so consumed in finishing up a piece of artwork that she had forgotten him, if this is what he really wanted. The only answer he gave me in the car that night was a listening ear, nods of understanding and a simple statement.

"You know what your answer is don't you? Get married and let your husband support you so you can do art."

What he didn't say out loud at the time was this:

"Let me be that person."

It's been over eight years. Eight years since he saw me spill rubbing alcohol all over the artwork that I had been consumed with for 4 days. Holding his breath knowing that I had just ruined 4 days of work, and that the deadline for the juried exhibit I was trying for was tomorrow. He watched for my reaction thinking how calm I was, only to realize it truly was as bad as he thought when he saw the tears start to roll down my face and the sobs start to come. All he could do was hold me and let me cry.

He had became that person.

He has watched me over and over the last eight years, try to figure out what to do with this burning desire in my heart. He's watched me be creative in other areas, as I hoped that it would satisfy this feeling in my heart, only to have it give temporary relief. He has watched me sit for days with my mind so consumed with reoccuring questions, thoughts and dreams. "Did I make the wrong decision?" "Where would I be now if I had done something differently?" "Should I be doing it now?" "Is it to late to ask the Lord forgiveness and see if I can begin again."

I just want to paint.

He has seen the Lord guiding me and teaching me a long the way. Blessing me. Providing opportunities. Sending people. Increasing my talents. And always calling after me.

A month ago... I heard that call again. Shalae have faith and do what your supposed to do.

I heard it again and again as we stood holding hands in front of 1, 2, 3 very large paintings of the Christ. I felt my heart leap into my throat, and the tears starting to well in my eyes. They were beautiful. They were what I wanted... I someday want to create something like this.

Maybe it isn't too late.

It's been eight years since I spilled the rubbing alcohol. Two more of these competitions have come and gone. I have only been the viewer of them. The ninth one is coming up. I'd have a year instead of 4 days. What would he think if I told him I was going to go for it. How will he respond?

He'll smile.

Because he is that person.

Overcoming the Block

           Last night I was getting burned out with another project I’ve been working on for a while, so I took a break to play around with Painter 11.  After realizing I really have to get over this block of doing things digitally (namely painting) and not feeling like a real artist, I had to just play.
           The result? Realizing how much I REALLY enjoy this.  It’s much faster for me, and therefore my creative side feels fulfilled. So I started this quick painting up of Mirian and then finished up tonight while listening to the 2nd class for In the Fish Bowl. After playing around with painter, I just can’t help but jump into Photoshop and play with textured paper and backgrounds, etc. Of course I can’t seem to sign my name for the life of me with this tablet, so we resorted to typing the signature and date. Tacky? Oh well, I sort of like it.  It’s sort of like me admitting… this is all digital. No real paint here. And who cares what anyone else thinks.

Latest Fun as well as Work

Parables

           One of my favorite things about reading the scriptures are the parables, allegories and imagery that they have. They excite me a lot. They are such a visual story to me and the levels of depth that they can take on.
           A few weeks ago I taught a lesson on Matthew 13 - the Parable of the Sower. It was such a fun lesson to teach and ever since then I've had this desire to just play around and see what kind of visual images I could come up with for these parables and allegories I love so much.
           So last night to relax I decided I was going to play around for me and work on a series of 4 images for the 4 types of ground the seed or word of God landed on. I was only able to get 2 done before I forced myself to pull away from the computer so I could get some sleep. (Only to be woken up 4 more times in the night by kids.) It was so enjoyable though that I'm dying to finish up the other two.

Now I'm Ready

           This fall I've been invited to be one of the presenters for the ScrapGirls Convention held in Salt Lake City. I'm supposed to teach a class, a unique class, something special, and something I'm good at. Talk about pressure! They at first suggested that I teach something about digital scrapbooking brushes since I have my Mastering Brushes Ebook about how to use brushes in digital scrapbooking. That made me cringe as I have gotten burned out of brushes from writing the books and teaching the class. I begged them to let me do anything else... so they left it up to me. I've been stewing over it for months now, wracking my brain as to what unique thing I have that I can teach that anyone would even care to learn. I've come up empty.
           Finally after asking other designers for some ideas we came up with one direction that would be fairly easy. A technique that I'm asked about all the time from members on the boards, but I've been trying to figure out how to do it differently since I've written similar tutorials about the topic. I've been struggling this last week writing the class and it hasn't been happening. Talk about FRUSTRATING! Being a teacher I really believe to have to know and love your materials to really be able to teach it. I was not feeling this at all.

           This morning I had an idea. I tried it out. It worked and I'm completely excited about it. Ironically it still has to do with brushes, but I've switched my mentality about it to the brushes that really excite me! So now I'm back to first base... rewriting the class materials... but now I'm on a roll. It's part of my passion which my former art teacher used to tell me, "If you love it and your passionate about it, then it's easy to teach it." Now I'm ready. I'll see you all in October. I hope your ready to get messy!

More Playing

           So I've been having too much fun playing and getting way too many ideas of possible projects in my head... but that's a good thing. I need that right now... here' s one of Savannah.

Experimenting

           Ok Mandy... here is your long overdue portrait. But I sort of cheated. I've been playing around with the Painter X demo for the last couple of weeks, and can I tell you how bad I'm dying for this program. To have access to all the art media, without it being strewn about my house by children and no messes to clean up! Combine all my loves of the computer digital world.... and my need to paint and draw again! Perfect combination. I will admit on this one though, that I was playing with the cloning tool, because I just wanted to be able to experiment with brushes, paper overlays and various other effects, but still ended up liking the end result, so I thought I would count it for now, or it might be months before you ever see one. :)
           I really need to get Kal's bulletproof attitude, when it comes to using the computer for art, and realize that hey I don't have to do everything the traditional way, starting from scratch and drawing it all myself from the very beginning. (First off I just don't have time for that lately. It would take me months to complete one piece, and my creativity needs to be fed lately a little more often than that.) Who cares if I did use the clone tool on part of this. Who cares how it was made, it still has bits of me, I still pick and choose how I put things together, what I wanted to pull out etc. What is considered cheating in the art world today anyways? I would say that cheating is one way blatantly stealing someone else's art and claiming it as your own. As long as I'm not doing that (although I did use your photo for this Mandy.) then I'm not cheating right!:) So I still have this huge battle in my head... and just need some bulletproof attitude here. (When are you going to do an online class Kal?)

Fun things mother's get to do.

           So who says being a mom has to be boring. I had a great day today and had the chance to get creative and learn something new!

           Today was Mirian's birthday and she was determined she wanted a princess birthday cake. Savannah had a Cinderella one last year, and she wanted an Ariel one. So we found a picture, and I went and actually bought the real cake decorating supplies since I figure with at least 6 birthdays a year and other celebrations over the next 20 years while my kids are home, I'll get my use out of it. Plus it's fun to be creative in a whole new way.
           We had a great day. Decorated cakes, hung up streamers, went shopping, had a party, and wore myself right out.

Reflections of Christ

           Someone sent me an email letting me know about this exhibition "Reflections of Christ" by photographer Mark Mabry at the Mesa Arizona Temple. It's hit me on so many levels today, that I thought I would share the quick slideshow that they have of the the images from the exhibition. I'm hoping later they'll have it made so that it's possible to actually post it straight into blogs. I love to see artists like this using the gift that they've been given to glorify him. The website is www.reflectionsofchrist.org

Accountability

           This afternoon Mandy and I had a great chat trying to determine where we wanted to go with YourActual as well as just goals and desires we had to do with our art. I love that girl! She inspires me all the way around! As a person, an artist, a mother and as a Christian. She is just one cool girl. It is amazing to me that I can connect with a person some much, whom I've only met in real life for no more than 8 hours. We live states away from each other and yet my life will never be the same from having met her.
           During our conversation we came to the conclusion, that the purpose of why we did your actual was fulfilled. That purpose was mainly to make us accountable to someone else (namely each other) for doing some art once a week. We've felt like it has done that, but that right now in our lives it is just another thing to do. We feel the Lord pulling us in another direction right now, and so we've decided to stop continuing Your Actual.
           Instead we are excited about what this frees us to do. (There's your word Mandy!) One being some personal art goals that we both have. We want to share those journeys with you here on our blogs. We are still accountable to each other but we are headed in a different direction, which I'm very excited about. We talked about some goals that we both have, and directions we feel the Lord is taking us. I came up with a couple that I know I need to do and thought I could focus on more this next little while. Plus if I actually write them down here then I'm also accountable to all of you blog readers too. Right?!
           1. Take more photos. I need to take more photos, one reason is for references when I do my art. Another purpose is to actually be a part in my art. I need to expand what I have available to me, and I would really like to develop this skill more for some future goals that I have. Also to not be afraid to ask people if I can take their pictures and to actually get some model releases, so that I can actually use them in my own artwork.
           2. Draw people. I know I need to draw people. I'm drawn to people. And to be honest it SCARES ME TO DEATH! It's one of those things that I want to do more than anything, and yet it is something that I have this huge fear of failing in and so I totally avoid it. I see all these incredible artists out there that are amazing at drawing people, and I feel so insecure about my ability to draw them. But that SHOULD NOT MATTER! I will not get any better by never doing it. I need to do it. So my goal is to start drawing people. Start drawing the parts of people, really learn how to draw them realistically, and portray it accurately. But most of all to be able to portray the emotions and feelings of people. (I'm a long way from that.) But I can start by learning to draw the eye better, then then nose, then the lips, then the face as a whole and move on from there. 
           So there are my two goals. My two things that I want to work on here in the next little bit. I hope to show you my progress as I go as well. To be accountable to you.
           So keep asking me where the photos and drawings are.