Mountain of the Lord

June was the month of camping.  Literally.  4 weekends in a row, and some of those full weeks.  At the first of the month, due to various circumstances I found myself throwing things into a bag, with 5 minutes of warning that I was going up to girls camp for the week.  The girls had left on the bus 30 minutes earlier, and didn’t have any leaders going or that would be there to greet them due to unforeseen circumstances.  I left my family with our good friends not sure if I would be returning that night or at the end of the week. 

I had no idea what had been planned for the week, what food I was supposed to cook, or what was really going on.  All I knew was that I had peace, I knew things would work out ok, and that I didn’t need to worry about my family. 

Ironically months earlier after my miscarriage, I had been in turmoil trying to decide whether to volunteer to go as a leader or not.  I was emotionally unstable, exhausted, tired and yet wasn’t sure if I needed to be going for the girls.  After weeks of prayer, fasting and going to the temple I finally only had peace when I decided that I was not going. I knew I wasn’t supposed to go.  The events that happened after that to find other leaders and growing experiences with the girls were unreal, and ironically I found myself packing myself up to go to camp with the complete peace that it was ok for me to go, and in fact that I was SUPPOSED to be there.  The Lord works in miraculous ways.


The minute I was in the mountains I knew I was supposed to be there, and I did not want to leave. My soul needed healing and quiet introspective time that I could not get at home with 4 little ones around me all the time. I needed things that only the Lord knew I needed, and experienced numerous things at camp that were literally life changing for me. That week turned out to be a major highlight of my life. I saw miraculous things happen, I developed a stronger friendship with another leader, I grew to love my priesthood holders more than I ever have, I gained strong testimony of things I didn’t have a testimony of prior, and I left with some clear direction as to some very specific things in my life.  I left knowing God knew me personally, that he knew the condition of my heart and that it needed changing, and he knew it would only happen at Girls Camp. It would only happen in the mountains in his majestic creations and after a sacrifice to serve. 

I am so grateful for that week.

The rest of the month we continued to pack in family camping trips, birthday parties, reunions, and Beau got to have his amazing experience with the Lord at Youth Conference for a week. What a growing, exhausting, and packed month. I don’t know if any other month can compete with it, but somehow sometimes I sure it will.
 
(I’m in love with Angie’s new calendar templates. It’s such a great way to document the events of our lives, in a simple format that still keeps exact dates, and is fun to look at! I can’t wait to keep doing it, and do it for past  years!)

Forced to Have Fun

I am still around… just obviously not on my blog. It has been a crazy two months.  I ended up spending a surprise week at girls camp, Beau had youth conference for a week, we’ve had 3 reunions and family gatherings. Caitlyn turned 2. (Where has the time gone!)  I’ve been trying to get design work done on the few days we’re home, keep up with the house, keep a garden growing and do something fun with my kids.  It’s been a good few months, but I’m so looking forward to one of our first weekends all home together as a family. To relax, work on projects or just do absolutely nothing except be together. :)  So instead of backtracking (so I actually will post something), we’ll start with today.

The funny part about today was forcing myself to do something fun and messy with the kids. Being a designer, and having to create my own layouts to promote my designs, I’m always in the need of some ‘HERO’ shots.  So for the last week I’ve been working on some new designs, and could find very few good hero shots to use in layouts. So what do I do. I either pay an arm and a leg for them off of istock.  (Maybe I should look into getting on with them and let other people pay me! :) )  Or the next best thing; force my kids to smile while mom sets up the stage for shooting some ‘HERO’ shots.

Couldn’t you just eat her up!  I sure could. She is just the cutest little girl right now.

Down to Two.

I did it. Officially I am probably the meanest mom in the world. I declared to my children last night that this morning I was going in their rooms and bagging EVERYTHING UP. They would be able to pick out one toy and one dress up outfit and the rest were being put into boxes or bags and being shipped out of the house. (Only twenty feet to the garage) The ironic part is my husband asked the other night if I’m an all or nothing sort of person…. well as of today I guess I am.

Two things. They have a week or two to show me that they can take care of these two items, put them away where they go, pick them up after they are done, and take care of them.  If they can’t, then they are stuck with just two for a while. If they can, then they can slowly take one more item out at a time and show me they can be responsible for a few more.

Why?

This mommy is tired of tripping over everything to get into rooms. Tired of demanding, threatening, bribing and finally just cleaning it herself.  I’m tired of seeing how I am creating terrible habits in my children, and expecting very little from them. Yes they are small, yes they aren’t adults, and yet I see that I am doing a HUGE disservice to them by not teaching them how to take care of things, put things away, and be responsible. I’m doing a huge disservice by doing it for them sometimes because it it’s just faster.

In reality they are small and I’m making it almost entirely impossible to help them l
earn this by giving them LOTS of toys. More toys than they can handle and manage, and so many toys that it completely OVERWHELMS them. Especially when it comes to cleaning them and putting them away. It OVERWHELMS me!  Just trying to figure out how to organize things, how to make it easier for them to put things away and take care of it. How to help them want to take care of it.  It’s just plain tiring and all the other ways have just not worked.

So we’re going with this tactic. The method of “choices and accountability” and being good “stewards”.   I’m still going to let them keep the two items I mentioned, so they don’t have a complete meltdown and so they can prove to me by how they choose to take care o
f these two things, whether or not they are accountable enough to take care of more. They are little, they need to learn how to be responsible for a few things at a time.  Doesn’t the Lord do the same thing with us? He give us a small stewardship with the promise that if we take care of it then more will be added upon it. They don’t know the satisfaction of taking care of that one toy especially well, because it’s the only one they have and if it gets ruined they have nothing.  They need to start small, with something that is within reach and totally attainable and go from there.

So will I be back in a few days saying this completely failed? Who knows maybe. Are they going to go nuts. I don’t think so.  They might complain but it’s summer they have the outdoors to go run and play in, they still have crayons and markers and things to draw with, and I have other things I want to do and teach them. Maybe it will be a blessing in disguise.  As my husband asked last night as he raised his eyebrow at my declaration. “Hmm… Who is going to give in first?”  We shall see and I’ll let you know in a day or two how it is going.

Memorials

This last week we had a busy week which led us home to Star Valley for the funeral of a good friend of ours from our home town.

Ryan had been struggling with cancer for the last year, and at one point thought he had won the battle, only to have it reappear and take him home. We had been keeping up on his blog Team Ryan for the last year with what he had been going through thanks to his strong and supportive wife.  He was only 30, Beau’s age, and left a wife and two young children. It is sad and yet after attending the funeral, you knew it was his time. He had accomplished what he needed to do in mortality. You also had completely peace knowing they had been sealed together in the temple and that an eternal family was their blessing after this life.  It was an awesome funeral.  The kind that every funeral should be like.  Full of hope because of the Savior’s atonement and resurrection, great memories and tributes to his amazing life and the wonderful person that he was. We left wanting to be better so that we could be with him again and be where we knew he was. 

I had been doing good keeping emotions at check, until I walked into the viewing. Seeing his parents, sisters and brother greet people as well as his wife just got me so choked up, wondering about the loss they must feel.  I also saw a picture of Ryan as a little kid and all of the sudden the memories flooded back of growing up.   Our families were really good friends. It seemed like every Sunday or weekend our families would end up together at one of our homes and we would spend hours entertaining each up coming up with circus acts, plays and games of cops and robbers and Annie.  We would escape to the basement  getting our acts and performances put together while the parents had their much needed adult time together with no interruptions from us children. Hours later we would call our parents down and have them be the audience while we showed off our latest baton twirling act, and award winning acting during the play “Sleeping Beauty.” 

As we got older it started turning around to toilet papering each other’s homes during family reunions.  One night while throwing the toilet paper we were scared to death when the garage door started opening at 2 am, and Gary pulled out on a late night call to the hospital.  We’d still spent many evenings together as we were older, we’d just migrate up to listen the adults. I still love sitting and hearing Ryan’s dad, Gary, tell stories. We’d spend New Years Even together sometimes playing games. We also started the tradition of having a ‘journey meal’ on Christmas Eve together to remind us of their journey to Bethlehem and that special night of the Savior’s birth. We still do it now with my own children.

It circumstances like this that bring people together that you haven’t seen for years. You have the chance to remember times and moments when each of them touched your life forever. A time to reflect that the main reason you are who you are is because of a combination of all these people who have been a part of your earthly journey, teaching, sharing, laughing and sharing life together.  It makes you realize how incredibly blessed you are to know such amazing people. Amazing people like Ryan and his family, people that made your life better. It’s makes you realize that everything isn’t about you. Because the only reason you are you… is because of them.

I pray for his wife Margie and her little children that they’ll have the spirit to be with them in the difficult days that lay ahead. It is sure to be a hard road sometimes.  But the thought that stuck out the most to me in the funeral is:

“The only way to take the pain and sorrow out of death, is to take the love out of life.”

And that’s what I felt this weekend. Love. Love for Ryan. Love for his family, and a realization that when death does hit even closer to home for me, that it will be painful I’m sure.  But that will be because I truly loved them in life, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

Note To Self

Today I finally had a chance to work on another “Who Am I” assignment. It was about writing a letter to someone. I liked her prompt to listen to the Brad Paisley song and ended up writing some life notes to myself. It got me thinking. If I really could go back and tell myself something what would I say? Would I try and get myself to change so I wouldn’t have to experience some of the hard things I did? I don’t think I would. Looking at it now, even though it was hard at the time, it completely made me who I was. I wouldn’t want to change that.

I ended up feeling like the biggest thing I would say is: be careful how you treat people. Those are the things I have the biggest regrets about today. Relationships with people that I missed out on for various reasons. It’s all about the people. Nothing else really matters in the end, except for them.

I still need to realize even now amidst the business of life that it’s still all about the people. I won’t have regrets about anything else in the end. Just about the people.

“Never let a problem to be solved be more important than a person to be loved.”

Puppets

I have been wanting to submit to the Spoonflower weekly fabric design contest and was finally able to come up with something for this week’s theme of puppets. I’d really like that $100 worth of fabric to get rid of a whole bunch of ideas floating around in my head that are dying to get put on some fabric. I’d love it if you would be willing to vote for me. (If you feel that it’s worthy of your vote.) :) To vote simply go to Spoonflower. Click on contests in the menu bar and then in the top right corner of your screen you can vote on this week’s puppet patterns.

Generations of Mothers

I hope you all had a wonderful mother’s day.  I had a wonderful one! I spent time with family viewing homemade cards, eating breakfast and dinner that was made for me, spent some time chatting with family on Skype, hearing wonderful messages at church and just enjoyed the day.

I am so grateful for my mom (the baby in this picture) and all the mom’s before her like my grandmother.  They have had more impact on me than they think sometimes.  I don’t think you begin to appreciate your mom until you become a mom yourself. I don’t think I’ve appreciated
- all the home cooked meals, bread and treats she made for us all the time. It was always homemade.
- the many mornings she woke us up early before school to read scriptures as a family and have family prayer.
- all the home-evening lessons she prepared and taught us.
- the hard work she taught us to do through having a garden and canning every year. Sitting and shelling peas or snapping beans as we talked or watched movies.
- living on a limited budget, staying out of debt and running their own business, which required lots of work, sacrifice and creativity on making money stretch.
- for making birthdays a special day for us.
- for showing us to serve in the church. To dedicate your all, give your all and do what you know is right.
- for teaching me to cook, clean, sew, and develop homemaking skills, which has made it so much easier becoming a wife and mother.
- encouraging me to pursue my art, and letting me develop my creativity. I would always ask her what I should draw or paint for art class, and she always responded “a Rhinoceros”. I would roll my eyes, get her point that she wasn’t going to come up with my idea for me, and move on. Someday she is going to get her Rhinoceros.
- teaching us how to serve, be grateful and help others.
- the importance of family vacations and time together.
- all the days, evenings and weekends that she held the house together on her own, and took care of us, because dad was working or serving in the church.  That was not an easy endeavor and I know she was exhausted, stressed and wishing she had her husband home more. 
She sacrificed lots and did EVERYTHING for us. I hope she knows that I recognize it and love her so much for it.  She was an amazing mom, and I am so blessed to have her as my mother.

What Bugs Me?

Here is another page for the Who Am I book. 10 Things that bug me. Oh there are many more, but it’s best not to dwell on all of them. :)

Also check out this great interview of a friend of mine, Mandy. It’s all about being a creative mom. She has some great insights that I can echo loud and clear.  She is also a great example to me of one that is doing it the right way. (Being a mother and Artist at the same time.) Keep at it Mandy!

Who Am I

I digital scrapbook a lot. Not for recording my history, or making keepsake books for my children. (Although I do end up with some of that) I do it mostly for the creative release and also for my design work with ScrapGirls.  In the process of these hundreds of layouts I’ve made there are only a couple that are of me and my life.  Lately as I’ve been more involved in Family History and the stories, I often wish there were stories of these amazing people that I descended from and yet there is nothing. I’m only left to imagine what they were like.

I  find that I have the same desires and questions about my mom. (I hope your reading this!)  Wondering what all of her history is. We’ve heard some of the stories, but there is a lot there that we don’t know as well. I want to know more.  I also realize that someday my children may be saying the same thing. So I’ve decided to do scrap more about me.  I going to take some time to celebrate my life and the little things that make me who I am.

So I joined Anna’s class called Who Am I? at ScrapGirls, and will be creating 20 layouts about just me. I’m hoping to accomplish them all, and possibly add to them in the hopes of creating my own story to share with my kids and their posterity.

So today’s topic was quick and easy – 10 of my favorite things.  I realize I have way more than 10 favorites… but these are a few of the top ones.

I also love it when a project like this can kill 2 other birds with one stone. A personal progress goal and a Family History goal that our stake has right now for everyone in the wards. Yes!   

(So MOM…. I still want to learn more about you and who you are. I want some stories to pass on to my kids, and I want to hear some memories. So if you want to take some of these same topics, answer them and email them to me… I’ll even put them together for you in a book…. How much EASIER could it get!  Not much.   You’re always asking what to get us for Christmas…. hint hint….  The offer stands for my mother in law too.  I know her sons would appreciate it!)

Young Women Personal Progress

In our church the girls ages 12 – 18 participate in the Young Women’s Program. It is an excellent program designed to help girls prepare to become mothers, wives, and good righteous women. Within the young women’s program is goal oriented program called personal progress, which is based upon 8 values. Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity, and Virtue.

Right now my calling (or church service) in our ward is with the Young Women as secretary. Even though I finished the personal progress as a youth the program has changed a lot since then. It’s my goal to go through the whole program again right now and earn it again along with my young women.

For one of my projects I wanted to create a mini album to share with anyone, based on the young women values. I wanted something that was basic and could be used for multiple things. I hope some of you can find a use for it. The two graphics show the whole collection.

It can be used for many things:

- note cards / postcards

- church handouts

- invitations to New Beginnings, Young Women in Excellence, Standard Night

- create a finished album recording all of your 8 value experiences you completed.
- scripture memorization cards

- photo book for camp or YW activities.
- use it for a YW activity to teach your girls how to digital scrapbook.
- have your girls use it in a persona progress goal.
- be creative!

For each value there is one page that is a journaling page, and then one that is a photo page, with an open hole to place a photograph. If you want to manipulate it a bunch some photo editing software would work the best. (Although my sister can do amazing things with Microsoft Word, which I can not do.) So that program might work as well. If not, it can easily be printed out and just written on.

It’s free for you to use. I’d love to hear how you use it, or see any finished projects if you have the time. I really hope that some of you might find it of value because I sure had a lot of fun making it.

Please feel free to let people know about it, and direct them here where they can download it. Thanks!

Going Mad

Well it’s mischief week at ScrapGirls.  A week of fun, lots of chats, games and prizes.  The theme is Alice and Wonderland and even though I’m a little slow at getting this done I had to dress the part.

If you’d like to join us you can find a list of the chats and events in the last ScrapGirls Newsletter. Plus a really good sale (29.1 % off) happening until April 30th!  This is one of the biggest sales we have all year.

I joined in last night at the mad scrap challenge. Where they tell you what you have to use and you’ve got roughly an hour to put a layout together. Here’s my result. For a while I thought it was going to end up looking funny, but in the end I rather liked it! I’m sure it has to do with my cute subject matter. Isaac was just one of the cutest babies to photograph.

Beautiful

The other day I was out running errands with kids.  We were stopped at a stoplight and a young woman crossed in front of us. From in the back Mirian just blurted out “She’s Beautiful!” I looked at her again, and was trying to figure out what had made her say it, she was wearing a skimpy tank top, and had long hair, but wasn’t someone that I would have termed was beautiful.  I thought maybe it was her hair.

I asked her “She’s beautiful huh?”  Her reply? “Yeah she’s beautiful. Do you know why? Because she has a baby in her tummy!”  The woman had been about 8 months pregnant.  I commented back. “Your right.  Pregnant women are beautiful.”

Then she said. "Do you know when you are the most beautiful mom? When you are pregnant and in your church clothes. Then you are REALLY beautiful.” Wow. Out of the mouth of babes.  Even though she didn’t realize it, she was speaking eternal truths. Truths about the beauty of women when they have life inside of them, participating in the most amazing thing they can ever do. Truths about beauty of modesty and virtue.  All truths that the world mocks.  They believe beauty to be something else.

I love this little girl. She is always amazing me with her insights. And someday I can’t wait to see her at her most beautiful moment when she carries her first baby. 

Intentional Mothering

It seems as of late that I’ve been trying to slow down, and put less things on my plate, but not exactly sure why. I’ve been busy, but it hasn’t been too bad. Some part of me though has felt that I was missing out on something important by doing these other things but I hadn’t been able to pin point it yet.

The only thing I did know is that I wanted to spend more time at home. With my family and kids. To really be there. To really be a mom. It’s so easy to get caught up in other extracurricular activities, church service, personal hobbies, play groups, etc. You can fill your entire day with things to do.

In the process I found that I didn’t have time to really spend cleaning my house, or dejunking. I never got caught up on laundry. I haven’t been able to work on decorating and painting our home. I haven’t had chances to work outside in the yard, or get started on the garden. I didn’t have time to plan meals, FHE’s, family activities, cleaning, etc. I was trying to just squeeze in exercise and scripture study in here or there as I had a few moments. I was winging everything at the moment. Only doing what was immediate.

Which seemed fine at the time. We seemed to be happy and we were getting by. I kept having the attitude of when my kids are in school, then I’ll have time to deep clean the house more, and do more decorating and painting. I’ll have more time but right now it’s just not that time especially with little kids.

Then something started to happen. I’m not sure what it was, but slowly I have started seeing things differently, seeing the importance of doing things differently and starting to do things intentionally. Starting to realize how these small mundane homemaking tasks are so incredibly important. How they teach greater and more important lessons than we realize. For example.

A Clean Home. This is NOT my strong point. I’ll do what I have to do to get by, but don’t necessarily think of what I can do to prevent things from creating bigger messes which create bigger work. I’m getting lots better and in the process I’m slowly learning why it’s so important. It’s been easy to give my kids the excuse that they are only 1, or 3 and are so young they can’t do much and I realized I am doing a HUGE disservice to them by having this attitude. They can do something and it’s at these ages of 1-5 while they are home that I can instill in them a desire and love for cleanliness. I can teach them these principles of why it is ESSENTIAL that we have a clean home.

- Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

- The spirit likes clean, beautiful places and likes to dwell there. He will not dwell in filth.

- Order. God is a God of order and we are to become like him.

- Disorder and uncleanliness will make the spirit leave which results in more
contention, frustration, lack of patience, and idleness.
- Health issues. We will be healthier when we have a clean home over a dirty home.

- A sense of pride, respect and gratitude for what we have been blessed with and a desire to take care of it and make it last.

- A work ethic – the ability to work consistently, and hard at something that is not something we love, because it has to be done. There are a lot of things in life that we will not like and not want to do. It will be easier for us to handle them, and work through them if we’ve already learned how to work at doing hard things we don’t like.
- We are striving to live in the celestial kingdom, we should be developing the celestial traits, right now so we can live there. Does our home reflect that?

- It feels good. There is a sense of peace, calm and happiness when you walk into a clean beautiful room. You want to be there. You want to stay.

That is just one example. As I’ve been thinking of some of these mundane things that we do I’ve started to realize how we just blow them off. We don’t think of the eternal and lasting consequences of some of them. I just tell my kids to clean their room. I beg, bribe, do it for them, argue with them, etc. Do I actually intentionally teach them over and over and over again WHY we have to do it. Or do I just tell them to do it. Do I talk to them about all the reasons above of why we want a clean home? I find that when I do, I get much better results from them and changed behaviors. They still have their moments, and still argue with me over it sometimes, but they understand it better.

So what about the other mundane things we do. Why are they so important to do? Why are we doing a disservice to our children if we treat them lightly? What eternal consequences could they have? How might it make their life harder and more difficult down the road later in life? Why do we just blow them off and should we?

- Going to bed at a early decent time and arising early?

- The food we eat, the meals we cook, and how we take care of our bodies.

- Disciplining – do we just send them straight to time out with out explanations.

- Money, how we save, spend or earn it?

- Entertainment – what we watch, view or listen to
- Time – how we spend it or waste it.
- Work – do we value it and install a work ethic.
- Treatment of others

I’m slowly realizing these are the reasons I want to cut back on other things. I want time to actually be an intentional mother. Instead of running to the next activity while rushing my kids and threatening them to hurry and clean their room. I want to have the time to work at it together, teach them why we are doing it, and develop long lasting habits and eternal truths. Which will matter more in the end. The dance class or the lasting character of cleanliness, and all that is associated with it. I would much rather have a child that has a love for beauty, cleanliness and a desire to feel the spirit and abide in a place of peace rather than a dancer.

There are so many other things that I want to give my children rather than another hobby, another skill, more money, etc. I’m just barely starting to understand it, and understand what I hope to do. But it’s something I feel strongly about. I no longer want to just do the daily motherly things (because that’s our job.) I want to make sure it’s done with intention instead.

I work for Him.

The other day I watched a video on my friend Amy’s blog. Little did I realize what an impact it would have on me.  Maybe it was because of a long week of kids with stomach flu, or because it was something that I needed to be reminded of. Why do I do what I do? Why I give so much for my kids and family and what my whole attitude should be towards them and doing it.  I love how she puts it. I’m not working for them. I’m working for Him.  I need to remember that often. God sees everything I do as a mother, even when kids may not even have a clue. He knows the sacrifices I’m making, and he knows what other kinds of things I could be doing out there in the world instead. But he knows I’ve chosen something better, something greater. In fact the greatest thing I could ever do and that is to be a mother.  

The Weather Outside

Is confusing. One minute it was beautiful spring weather, the next day snow, by that afternoon it was beautiful again.  Where is my warm spring days?  About a month ago I had a little fun with the weather and created a new kit.

Come Listen

to a Prophet's Voice....

Throughout the history of the world God has called Prophets to lead, teach and warn his people. You find them all through the Old Testament. Through the New Testament the Lord taught us himself. and then called 12 apostles to preach of him and run his church. He called prophets and apostles in the New World on the American continent as well and their record is found in the Book of Mormon.

"Surely the Lord God will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the Prophets". Amos 3:7

God is the same yesterday and today and will be the same tomorrow. He does not change. He can not change or he would cease to be God. He will always call a prophet to give direction to and to teach his people. To bless them. He has done it through all ages of time. So why would he love us any less and not call a prophet again today when the world is filled with so much moral decay and wickedness. Why would he not call prophets and apostles to declare repentance and to teach us of his ways.

He has.

I know without any doubt in my mind he has called a prophet today. His name is Thomas S. Monson. He has also called 12 apostles to lead and guide his church and to be special witnesses of him, delcaring that Jesus is the Living Christ. I have heard these men. I have been in the presence of some of them including the Prophet Thomas S. Monson. numerous times The spirit has born testimony to me that they are his servants. I have been blessed greatly by following their counsel and guidance. I love them with all my heart.

Today they will be speaking to the world. Preaching repentance, faith on the Lord Jesus Christ and giving us specific guidance and direction that the Lord would have us know as we live in this very confusing, morally corrupt world. I invite you to come and listen. It will be broadcast this morning at 10:00 am MST, for two hours and another session at 2:00 pm MST for two hours. They also spoke to us yesterday, which you can hear online as well. The prophet will give his main address this morning as the last address. He will also conclude the conference, in the afternoon session. The rest of the 12 apostles and other church leaders will also address us.

I love this time of year. I am never filled so much spiritually than when I listen to these messages. The ones that were given yesterday were amazing. So what does the Lord want you to know today? Come and find out. Listen with me.

A Broken Heart

This last week has been a difficult week for many reasons. I was expecting a baby and was 14 weeks a long when we found out that the baby didn’t make it. I ended up miscarrying a few hours later and had hoped that we had made it through the worst of it.  Inwardly I was scared to death of repeating the circumstances of my previous miscarriage.  A few days later some of those fears did come to past as I made a trip to the ER after loosing too much blood way too quickly.  It was an evening mixed with so many emotions, fears and flashbacks of a few months previously. Things went smoother, and after getting blood and doing an emergency D&C, I felt tons better.

It has been a week of so many emotions.  Days of exhaustion and adventure in the hospital, only to have the next day arrive with lots of tears and emotions over what all of it meant. It has been interesting to see how my emotions and feelings have varied from the first miscarriage.  This time I needed time alone, I did not want to see people, talk to people, it was too much to be around my kids. I really needed time alone and time to heal. Not just physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I was exhausted.  I was emotionally spent. I just did not have it in me to give to anyone else.

I had questions of what was there to be learned from this 2nd loss. But during some of these down quiet times, when your thoughts have a chance to turn inward, I have pondered more on the Savior. Who he is, what he went through, and how to access the part of the atonement that is not there for the sinner, but is there for the hurt, wounded, and broken-hearted.  The part of the atonement that gives strength and solace because he has experienced the pain before.  He understands and because he can understand he can succor me and bound up this broken heart.  He can fill my empty pitcher. He can let me cry and weep along with me. He can give me peace through the Holy Ghost that it will be ok. He can be on my right hand and on my left to bear me up, as I went through the physical trials in the ER. He can calm my fears.  He can give me hope of an incredible future even though this baby won’t be a part of it. 

How grateful I am for him in my life right now. How grateful I am to know of him, know he lives and be able to have him right here through the hard times, rather than going through it a lone.  What a wonderful season to have a miscarriage in as we come upon the celebration of that beautiful Easter morn when he showed us that he overcame death and the world. That he has the ability to mend the broken-hearted and heal us if we let him.  That he is the life and the light, and that through him all things are possible.

I hope you take time this Easter season to really ponder who Jesus the Christ really is and what he can do for you in your life right now to heal you.  He has been healing me and has the ability to heal you as well if you only let him.

With a Little Bit of Thread

I love the fact that you can create beautiful things from a simple piece of thread.  I’ve had some flour sack towels on hand, and have just been embroidering some patterns on them.

In the process I have noticed this weird thing that happens in my kitchen. I am one of those people that can go through 5-6 kitchen towels in one day. (Ask my husband, it blows him away sometimes.  And annoys him to no end when he can never find one.)  Maybe it’s all my kids, and the age of my kids that adds to that number. Maybe it’s some other weird phenomenon, but I can go through all my clean towels in one day somehow…. but here is the weird part.

I have a few of these flour sack towels that I’ve been given at my wedding and that I’ve collected. I somehow can get one towel and use it all day, if it’s one of these towels and not a terry cloth towel. Now what is up with that!  I don’t know what the little magic number is but seriously, how can this be.  So I’ve decided it’s time to replace all those terry cloth towels with these magic babies. Plus there’s something magical and nostalgic about have having hand embroidered towels in your kitchen. A little love was put into them, it reminds me of my grandma’s, it just makes me happy. So I’m on an adventure to embroidery a bunch of fun towels here and there as I watch a movie and slowly replace 5-6 terry towels with one of these babies.

I’m Going to Do it!

For as long as I can remember my mom has been sewing, painting or creating something to beautify our home growing up. Over the last 20 years she has created quilt after quilt. We had quilts for our weddings. Every new baby in the family has a quilt.  She has quilts that she makes for humanitarian projects, quilts for sisters having babies in her church, and quilts that she’s just made and given away because she felt like that person needed a pick me up and needed to know that they were loved and thought of. They are always gorgeous and she has become a master at it.  She just finished the cutest truck one for Isaac that I’m in love with, and always has about 4-5 more to show me every time I go home.

There is one that she made years ago that is a blessing quilt.  It is darling and has her individual blessings and things she is grateful for throughout the whole quilt. Every time we go home especially at Thanksgiving when it’s out on display, we always comment on how cute it is, and just how awesome it is to have all those blessing documented. 

We decided that it would be fun as a family project with all my sisters to create our own blessing quilts and work on it slowly as a monthly block quilt.  We’ve got the pattern for the first two months and I’ve been thinking how much I’d like to make it, but just haven’t gotten started. I’m intimidated honestly. I wasn’t sure if I’ll be able to follow directions, I am so obsessed with colors that trying to pick out colors that I was in love with was scary and it just wasn’t getting done. 

About a week ago my sister posted her first few blocks she got finished up on our family blog encouraging all of us to get started on ours. It was what I needed. I decided that instead of going out and buying new fabric I’d use what I had on hand, and started digging around seeing if I could find some that would match each other and look good. I ran across this print, which I fell in love with a while ago.

So I started trying to match the colors, and before I knew it I was in love. These colors are sooo me. It finally felt like my quilt, not the designers quilt, not my mother’s quilt, not my sisters either. It was my quilt with my interesting color choices and bright colors. I was pumped.  I needed to pick up a few more greens and some blue since I didn’t have enough, but I was ready to go.

So after the kids have gone to bed, I have sat down and began following the instructions. Learning how to cut and sew my squares, and beginning to create my blocks.  There is a bunch of appliqué and embroidery which I’m excited about because I LOVE doing that.  It took about the first two nights to realize why I have not become a major quilter.  I am not one for having to have perfect exact measurements. After lots of mistakes, wrongly cut fabric, sewing wrong pieces together, and ending up with finished blocks that were a 1/2 inch smaller than they were supposed to be; I realized this quilt just might be the death of me.  But I’m determined. I AM going to finish this. and I AM going to do it right.

So I’ve been thinking about what kinds of blessings I want to record on it. I decided I wanted it to be a record of these last 8 years here in Provo at BYU. Our first 8 years married, the start of our family, being poor starving college students and record the many blessings we’ve received the years we’ve been here. I want to pull this quilt out 20/30 years down the road, or 50 years down the road and remember the incredible blessings we had here, what a foundation these 8 years was for the rest of our life, and remember how happy and wonderful this time of our life was.  Life has been good to us these 8 years.  I am really excited about this project, and hope to show you the bits and pieces as I put it together over the next year. I hope that by next spring when Beau walks across the stage graduating with his Doctorate, that this quilt will be a memory of our time here as we get ready to embark on a new journey. 

I’m also hoping that my other sisters jump in on the project too. It would be so fun to all get together and show our finished quilts together with mom’s.  Five different styles, five different color choices, and five different sets of individual blessings and things we’re grateful for.   Five records of how good our lives really are and how much God has blessed us.  So for now I’ll be working on it one block at a time, learning patience and how to slow down and make sure I’m doing it correctly the first time. 

A Daughter After My Own Heart

The other day I walked in from being outside and looked over at the table to find Savannah all the crayons by color.

I just burst into the biggest smile and had to get my camera. Here was a girl after my own heart.  I always have to organize the colors when I get  a new box.  I started snapping pictures, because I had to document this moment, when my daughter had a huge part of me in her coming out. She noticed me taking pictures and she replied with,

“Mom do you know why I’m dividing up all the crayons? Because they just didn’t feel right.”

Man. She couldn’t have said it better.  I know exactly what you mean Savannah. They don’t feel right all mixed up there together, none of them going together, none of them organized in nature’s beautiful way.  They are meant to blend and move into each other slowly creating all the hues of color in this gorgeous world. It was all I could do to not go pull out my new box in my closet and sit down with her and put them in their natural order, and get excited about seeing all the possible color combinations.  It’s an obsession I know.

But honestly it just doesn’t FEEL right any other way.