Drawing and Painting with the computer.

           About a week ago I released the class that I taught at the Scrap Girls Convention this last fall in the boutique. The book teaches you how to create the look of a drawing or painting using dynamic brushes. It is quite fun actually. It comes with a dynamic brush set that gets you started, and a pdf with instructions. I can't seem to get enough of it! :) Here's a few layouts using the technique.
           The first one has the look of a drawing using the pencil dynamic brush.
           The second one uses a paint stroke dynamic brush to create the look of a painting.

Sunny Day

           Yesterday was one of those good days. The sun is shining here. It feels like spring. It's so beautiful and it better not be playing jokes on me. It was a jammed packed, good, and magical day. (As Mandy would like to call it.)
           I went to our service group and learned how to bind a quilt. I can now finish my wall hanging after all.
           We had an unexpected visit to the park to run and play.
           We had a picnic on our front porch while reading two new books I got. I'm loving them.
           Isaac took a nap. A miracle in itself. But after he woke up and he continued to lay in that exact spot for the next 3 hours.. I assumed he's sick. Which he is. Poor guy.
           Our flowers are coming up.
           We finally had birds visit our bird feeder that we had put up a while ago.
           I was able to take a nap.
           I had the chance to go do a temple session in the evening with a sister from our ward.
           It was another one of those good days. I'm determined that today is going to be one too.
           I've also been working on and have been wanting to work on these fun projects for the kids and I.
           -knitting Cailtyn a sweater
           -embroidering some flour sack towels, with my own designs.
           -making some felt play food for the girls
           -making some fun, cute cloth dolls for some little girls as well.
           -planning frugal, healthy menus to create a system to make this house run a bit more organized and to save a bit more money.

Babysitting or Mothering?

           I had a great weekend. I was not looking forward to any part of this weekend in reality, but it turned out amazing. I had the opportunity to go to stake conference (A large church service with 7 other church congregations) and hear Elder Jones of the seventy. There were also some other great talks given, and I felt like I got a lot of personal promptings for things to do in my life. He spoke about personal revelation and how to recognize it in our lives and how to obtain it. It was so good. I left this weekend feeling rejuvenated, spiritually uplifted and realizing that I'm doing ok. I'm trying and my intentions really are good despite all my weaknesses. Sometimes you just need that confirmation that your on the right path.
           In the process of the weekend I had a whole list of blog posts, thoughts that I've been mulling over in my mind, confirmations as to what should really be the most important thing in my life and how to be a better mother.
           One thing that I have really been mulling over is our attitude towards our jobs of being mothers. When we were first married I attended a class that was literally the MOST AMAZING class I have ever attended on being a mother. She explained the reality of it being the hardest job, but also the most fulfilling job we could ever have. She talked about how the greatest use of anti depressants are among stay-home moms. Why? Because they know they should be home but they aren't sure how to really be a homemaker, how to really challenge themselves. They are taking the role of a babysitter. Cleaning, cooking, changing diapers, bathing, feeding, laundry, all the jobs of a mother, and finding no joy in it. They have more the attitude of I HAVE to rather than I GET to.
           She mentioned how most mothers are depressed because they've never been trained or taught homemaking skills. How to cook, sew, decorate, garden, can, craft, organize, clean, etc. They don't know how to make their house a home, how to be creative, how to manage a home, how to mother. Many women are not being fulfilled as mothers, they fill that they aren't intellectually being challenged. They don't feel like they get to be creative. They don't feel like they get to use their skills and talents that they got college educations for. They don't get to do what they used to do when they were single. In reality. It's all in their attitude. It's hard. Really hard. It takes adjusting. It takes patience. Nothing is more challenging than being a mother. But what greater opportunity do we have to learn, develop new skills, manage or be creative.
           At our conference Elder Jones was talking about serving in our callings and recieving personal revelation. He said that when you have the attitude "I get to serve" you open the channel for revelation. When you have the attitude "I have to serve" you immediately block the channel and will recieve nothing. When he said this I immediately thought of my calling as a mother. 
           When I have the attitude of "Have to" do this, have to do laundry, have to clean... etc. I become a babysitter and the minute I have that attitude the channel is blocked. It's blocked for recieving revelation on how to help my family. It's blocked for feeling joy. It's blocked for feeling satisfaction. It's blocked for creativity. It's blocked for ideas of how to enjoy and love this job. It's blocked for seeing ways to accomplish things I'd personally like to do. I'm blocked... mentally, emotional, spiritually and physically.
           When I have the attitude of "I Get to" clean my home to make it feel inviting, I get to cook new recipes, I get to be creative in ways to be frugal and get by on nothing, I get to be creative with my kids, I get to learn and develop new talents, I get to be a mom, I get to help my kids... then the channel is wide open. I am happy. I experience joy and satisfaction being a mother. I have all kinds of ideas of things I can do better in my home, things to do with my kids. FUN things! I learn new stuff. 
           So what are you doing? Mothering or babysitting. Having to or getting to. If you need some ideas to get you going... these are blogs and books that I love to read. They inspire me to be a better mom, to find joy in being a mother, to be creative, and they have made me grow immensely as a homemaker.
           www.simplemom.net, www.messycanvas.com, www.soulemama.com, and "The Creative Family: How to Encourage Imagination and Nurture Family Connections" by Amanda Soule
           This really is the best job in the world. This really can be the most creative, satisfying, joyful, amazing job in the world if you let it.

I am a digi-packrat

           After reading a great article I have have come to terms that I am a pack rat - digi pack rat. I've also been learning this lately as my computer has been bogged down and running SSOOOO slow. I've had to get another hard drive, and have been in the process of trying to move files over and clean up so that I can get this thing moving faster. My husband and I have come to the conclusion that we need to clean it off, reinstall programs and do a good cleaning, formatting, etc.

           But after reading this article I realize that I really need to do some major simplifying as well. It's been so frustrating to try to work on big projects while moving so slowly that it has become pointless to even be try to be working on these things.

           So for the next little while... I'm going to start simplifying my digi stuff. I've been trying to simplify other areas of my life and it's been going well.... but now it's time to simplify this area of my life as well. So that it's more efficent, more simplier, and more enjoyable.

Parables

           One of my favorite things about reading the scriptures are the parables, allegories and imagery that they have. They excite me a lot. They are such a visual story to me and the levels of depth that they can take on.
           A few weeks ago I taught a lesson on Matthew 13 - the Parable of the Sower. It was such a fun lesson to teach and ever since then I've had this desire to just play around and see what kind of visual images I could come up with for these parables and allegories I love so much.
           So last night to relax I decided I was going to play around for me and work on a series of 4 images for the 4 types of ground the seed or word of God landed on. I was only able to get 2 done before I forced myself to pull away from the computer so I could get some sleep. (Only to be woken up 4 more times in the night by kids.) It was so enjoyable though that I'm dying to finish up the other two.

Getting There

Thank you so much for your sweet comments about my life lessons last week. It's always scary posting personal things like that out in the blog world. You hit the publish button, and then wonder what led you to open yourself up to so many people. Scary! But so reassuring when I hear kind words from you that it might have helped other mothers out as well.


This week is going so much better. :)

After months of trying to figure out how to exercise on a regular basis I think I finally got it. I've been trying to do it in the morning after we get Savannah off to school, but the other three children are not so cooperative. I try to do Pilates and they think that it's time to wrestle mom. I try to do a walking video and Caitlyn thinks it's time to be carried the whole 45 minutes. (It has you use weights not babies.) I try to walk outside and it's either freezing or we're stopping every 5 seconds for Isaac to pick of his new amazing rock he found.

I've been trying to get up at 4 in the morning to get a variety of things done, and thought about exericising, but the last thing I want is for my kids to hear the video going in the other room and deciding it's time to be up for the day at that hour. (They already think 5:30 - 6:00 is a good time to get going. I don't think so. This is mom's time.)

So finally this weekend, Beau dug out the treadmill that's been sitting in garage since we've moved in and set it up in the office outside for me. (No one can hear anything.) So this week we've actually been able to get up at 4:00... get going and ready to run and walk at 4:30. I'm hoping to some day get back to running my 4 miles a day. It's been sooo good. It's been starting every day off right.

           I've been trying not to expect too much, and in the end it's been such a great week. Things are slowly getting done and we are having some fun. My day so far? Exercised. Worked on ScrapGirl's stuff. Some scripture time. Breakfast. Savannah to and from school. Picked up the house. Made some playdough for the kids to play with. Made some low point brownies. Did some research for my garden I'm hoping to start planning and getting in the works. Took a few photos. Made a little baby laugh. Wrote a blog post and now we're getting ready to go ride some bikes outside, clean the car (which needs it SOOO bad), make some dinner, do some homework, put the kids in bed, and relax!
           It's been a good day. A really good day.

Barren or Joyful?

           This last week was a learning week for me. A real learning week. Learning about being a mother. A joyful mother. Two Sundays ago I had a mental, emotional and physical breakdown.
           I was supposed to teach the Relief Society lesson at church (our women's organization.) My husband had to attend ward conferences in another building for his stake calling which meant that he was at church meetings from 8:30 - 4:00, and then from 5:00-7:00. That meant I was responsible to get everyone ready, get everyone dressed, keep everyone partially reverent during the hour sacrament meeting before they went to their children's class, and somehow keep a spiritual frame of mind so I could teach a decent lesson. Not only that, all of my children were sick and so unhappy. I knew they shouldn't even be going because others would not appreciate us getting their children sick.
           I was in such a turmoil as to what to do. I shouldn't be taking my kids, yet I had to teach... this was too last minute to call someone up a couple hours before and have them teach. I couldn't ask Beau to stay with the kids because he had responsibilities and obligations he had to be to. They were constantly whining, fighting, and miserable... making me even more miserable than I already felt... it was too much. I was feeling out of sorts too and before I knew it I was an emotional wreck, crying all day long. I felt guilty skipping out of my calling (which I had called to see if someone else could do explaining the situation), especially because I really wanted to teach. It's only one day a month, and it's only my only chance to serve. By the end of the day when Beau finally got home I was a wreck. Barely functioning. The kids had worn me out, my emotions had worn me out, I was a basket case. He knew it too. How could you not. :)
           But throughout the day, especially that night as I rocked Caitlyn to sleep, I wondered what in the world was wrong with me. I realized I was exhausted. Tired. Tired of whining kids, tired of cleaning, tired of feeding everyone 3 meals a day, tired of no one caring or even noticing what I did every day, tired of feeling like I'm failing and letting people down, tired of hearing mom, mom, mom, mom, mom over and over again. I felt spiritually deplete and low and I was just tired. Oh so tired. I had come to the conclusion that I needed to just get away for a day or overnight. Breathe deep. Have time to myself. Have time to read scriptures pray and get in tune with the spirit again. Some time to organize me and my life a little bit. Time to just be with me and fill my empty bucket.
           Beau wanted to talk, and so I spilled it out, all my feelings, thoughts, frustrations. You name it - he got it all. All in one long stream... ending with the thoughts of needing some time to myself.
           He sat quietly for a while and I knew he was trying to sort through everything I had said and trying to figure out what to say or how to help. He then sighed and said, "I'm sorry honey." Then he said something along the lines of... "Part of our Sunday school lesson today was on listening to and heeding the spirit. I've had some thoughts last night and all day today that I want to share with you, but I'm not sure whether to share them with you or not. I'm not sure if this is the right time to or not. I'm afraid if I did you'll think I wasn't listening to what your saying. But at the same time wondering if I should, if it's one of those small promptings I should act on."
           Hmmm... I don't necessarily like it when it's put that way. Do you know why. Because it means that he has something to tell me that I most likely will not like, and most likely is something opposite than what I want. But feeling the lack of the spirit all day, and needing something... anything, I told him to tell me anyway. He still was unsure, and decided to read me something instead. He pulled out a magazine and pulled out a talk given by Jeffery R. Holland called "Lessons from Liberty Jail." I immediately thought, oh no. This is not what I want to hear. I don't want to hear that I just need to keep pushing through this. It's a trial, it's hard, but keep going.
           But I listened to him as he read and as he read things jumped out at me. One thing I was really feeling lately was a lack of was a closeness to god, revelations, feeling the spirit, etc. I was really feeling a lack of time to ponder, mediate, pray and stregnthen that relationship. That was one reason why I wanted so badly to escape for the weekend and go somewhere, where I wouldn't be interrupted by kids and I could have this. That's when these thoughts made an impression.
           "You can have sacred, relevatory, profoundly instructive experience with in the most miserable experiences of your life—in the worst settings, while enduring the most painful injustices, when facing the most insurmountable odds and opposition you have ever faced."
           "Now let’s talk about those propositions for a moment. Every one of us, in one way or another, great or small, dramatic or incidental, is going to spend a little time in Liberty Jail—spiritually speaking. We will face things we do not want to face for reasons that may not have been our fault. Indeed, we may face difficult circumstances for reasons that were absolutely right and proper, reasons that came because we were trying to keep the commandments of the Lord. We may face persecution; we may endure heartache and separation from loved ones; we may be hungry and cold and forlorn. Yes, before our lives are over we may all be given a little taste of what the prophets faced often in their lives. But the lessons of the winter of 1838–39 teach us that every experience can become a redemptive experience if we remain bonded to our Father in Heaven through that difficulty. These difficult lessons teach us that man’s extremity is God’s opportunity, and if we will be humble and faithful, if we will be believing and not curse God for our problems, He can turn the unfair and inhumane and debilitating prisons of our lives into temples—or at least into a circumstance that can bring comfort and revelation, divine companionship and peace."
           "When lonely, cold, hard times come, we have to endure, we have to continue, we have to persist. That was the Savior’s message in the parable of the importuning widow (see Luke 18:1–8; see also 11:5–10). Keep knocking on that door. Keep pleading. In the meantime, know that God hears your cries and knows your distress. He is your Father, and you are His child. When what has to be has been and when what lessons to be learned have been learned, it will be for us as it was for the Prophet Joseph. Just at the time he felt most alone and distant from heaven’s ear was the very time he received the wonderful ministration of the Spirit and wonderful, glorious answers that came from his Father in Heaven."
           While we continued to read through it the Spirit started working on my heart and started teaching me things. After he finished reading Beau said something along these lines..."Honey I don't want you to think that I don't want to give you a break, give you time to yourself and to rest. I do, but sometimes I think too often when we are tired, we use it as an excuse to sit back and do nothing, it's too easy to just want to escape and go somewhere else. Whether it's physically escaping or mentally. We want to escape the tiredness, or escape everything we need to do. Escaping isn't the answer. We'll come back, refreshed briefly, but soon something will come up, we'll be exhausted and we'll want to escape again."
           We kept talking, but I started thinking and learning things... It was a hard conversation. I knew he was right, but part of me was still exhausted and still wanted a break, a time to rest. (Don't worry he's still promised me that... Don't go thinking what a terrible husband I have! He's not. He's an amazing husband.) Part of me worried that if I didn't get a break now, I never would, and that set me off into more tears.
           But this is what I've learned from that experience, and have been learning all week as it kept having reasons to come up, when the kids were rough, when things didn't happen like I wanted it to, and as I've studied my scriptures.
           As mothers we wear ourselves out. We give, and give, and give, until we have nothing left. We are exhausted, we are burned out. We can get to the point where emotionally and physcially we are done. We want a break, we want rest, we want to escape it. We look for ways to escape. We want rest because we are so tired. We think the answer is sleep. We think the answer is escaping and taking a break. But we're wrong. The answer is in this.
           "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
           There is only one who can give us the rest we truly desire. There is only one place to find that rest. That is in our Savior.
           "We are not alone in our little prisons here. When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we’ve ever been in our entire lives. That knowledge can turn every such situation into a would-be temple."
           "When we promise to follow the Savior, to walk in His footsteps and be His disciples, we are promising to go where that divine path leads us. The path of salvation has always led one way or another through Gethsemane. So if the Savior faced such injustices and discouragements, such persecutions, unrighteousness, and suffering, we cannot expect that we are not going to face some of that if we still intend to call ourselves His true disciples and faithful followers. And it certainly underscores the fact that the righteous—in the Savior’s case, the personification of righteousness—can be totally worthy before God and still suffer.
           In fact, it ought to be a matter of great doctrinal consolation to us that Jesus, in the course of the Atonement, experienced all of the heartache and sorrow, all of the disappointments and injustices that the entire family of man had experienced and would experience from Adam and Eve to the end of the world in order that we would not have to face them so severely or so deeply. However heavy our load might be, it would be a lot heavier if the Savior had not gone that way before us and carried that burden with us and for us."
           "When it is obvious that a little time in Liberty Jail waits before you (spiritually speaking), remember these first two truths taught to Joseph in that prison-temple. First, God has not forgotten you, and second, the Savior has been where you have been, allowing Him to provide for your deliverance and your comfort." (Holland)
           I think too often when I have thought of "Coming to Christ" I thought that it meant more to: think of him, do what he would do, trying to emulate him and worship him. I have come to realize that is wrong. (Not that we shouldn't do that.) Coming to Christ means to come to him on bended knees, in our time when we are exhausted, when we are crying, when we are at the end, and asking for his help. Asking for his grace - which is "enabling power and strength" to keep going, to be stronger, to be able to do better, to forgive us for all our shortcomings that seem to flow out of us at those low times. To ask for comfort, to ask for rest, to ask for understanding and for the powers and effects of the atonement to work personally in our lives.
           He knows and he understands. I often forget that He knows. He's been there. The other night I realized that he knew how tired I was, he knew how exhausted I was. He's been there... he gave emotionally, physcially and spiritually to people all day long. He knew what it was like to be tired and exhausted. We know in the scriptures that at one point the apostles knew and recognized how tired and drained he was. It was at this same time when the people brought their little children to come and see Christ. The apostles tried to push them away, telling them to come back later, but the Savior replied "Suffer the little children to come unto me." I need to be praying for this same ability and stregnth. That when I am exhausted and tired, that instead of wanting to push my children away that I suffer them to come to me instead.
           After a very long discussion, I came to conclusion that Beau was right. I was seeking rest in the wrong place. I need to seek it in the right place. Has that been easy? No way! It's been a challenge this week. But I see myself understanding better. In fact later on in the week I ran across this scripture in my study.
           "He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord." Psalms 29:15
           I have always read this scripture as the barren woman being one who could have no children. This week I read it differently especially after reading the definitions for barren in the dicitionary.
           -devoid
           -lacking
           -unproductive
           -fruitless
           -lacking interest or charm
           -lacking inspiration or ideas
           -not producing anything of value or interest
           -lacking in something specific
           -incapable of sustaining life.
           Have you felt any of these as a mother? Are we more barren than we think. How I want so badly to no longer be barren, but be a joyful mother. I also can not become one unless I search the Lord out on how to be one and have him help fill those barren parts of me through the power of his atonment. Only then will I be a joyful mother.
           Are you barren? Are you tired? Are you exhausted? Find rest in the one that can truly give it to you.

A Joyful Mother...

           Early last week I'm not sure if my children or husband would have given me this title. Wow what a week. The first of it was rough. Really rough. But through all the rough parts the Lord has been teaching me. He's been giving me small glimpses of things that I need to learn.
           Friday I took my kids to my sister's house where she was going to watch them for the weekend so Beau and I could have some time to ourselves and celebrate our Valentines holiday a little earlier. It was so nice, it was so relaxing and it was so needed. We picked the kids up feeling great and had a great weekend together.

Homemade Love

           It's that time of year again to share a little love with those around you. I have forgotten what a big deal it is in elementary. The time to get valentines for all your classmates and the huge party with the excitement of opening up all of yours...

           We decided to make ours this year. I thought these owls looked cute from Crafty Crow, and so we pulled out our construction paper and went to work. I cut out the basic shapes and the kids put their personal touches on it by gluing them together. Even Isaac made some cute ones!
           If you don't want to make your own.. here are some really cute free printable ones from secret agent Josephine.
Here's some cute ones for your teenagers from gauchogirl.
           Also one of my favorite crafts from ScrapGirls are these fortune cookies from Erica Hite. They are cutest things done up and work great for Valentines Day.
           There is just something fun about making your own valentines though. Savannah was so excited to make them for her classmates. In fact while she was making them I saw a part of her come out that I new partially existed.
           She is very creative, and can come up with all kids of things. It's amazing what she can construct from a roll of masking tape. She definitely inherited her creative side from her mom... but then I saw her dad pop out in her while she was making her owls.
           I was telling her she needed to get going because she had A LOT of owls to make for the kids in her class. Well that clicked inside her head, and suddenly her analytical, systematic, orderly, engineer part of her came out. She created her own assembly line. Bodies first, then eyes and all the parts... then she wrote a number on the top of each one. When I asked her why she was writing numbers on them, she gave me this "duh mom" look and replied, "So I know how many I've made and how many more I need to do." This girl is in kindergarten! She might end up being a genius just yet. Creative and artistic, as well as being analytical and an engineer.

Learning to Knit

           A couple of weeks ago I went up to visit my mother. She's been trying to teach herself to knit, and it's been something that I've been wanting to do as well. I learned how to knit a long time ago from an older lady who lived in our community - Rula Crook. She was in her late ninety's and would tell us stories about the Indians when she grew up and seeing Santa Claus. She had us try seaweed, which didn't take a fancy with me. She also played the piano for us. She knew one song and could play it many different ways like a waltz, or the foxtrot. She had a charming little pink house, with a beautiful garden and a wonderful charm inside. I had forgotten about this whole experience until I remembered that I had learned how to knit once when I was in elementary school. It brought back those memories of going to her little pink house once a week with the other girls in my youth group and learning how to knit.

           I decided to see if I could pick it back up, since I've been seeing too many cute sweaters, hats, gloves, socks, you name it. Plus I was wanting something relaxing like my embroidery to do at night, or in the car traveling that I could actually use for gifts. So I bought some new needles a basic book, and tried to teach myself all over again before I went home so my mom and I could help each other get going. So far I'm doing pretty good. It took me a bit to figure it out, and I've only started 2 differnt small sweaters for Caitlyn to instead be pulled off and undone by my children. (It was one of those times, where I have to make a VERY HARD concious effort, to not get royally upset about all that time, minutes and hours that are now totally undone and strung around the house.) So for the next project I chose something small - some little bootie/socks for Caitlyn and I actually got a set finished really fast, and am onto the second one. I'm hoping to embroider a little bit on it too. It's been satisfying and enjoyable and hopefully sometime I'll get hat sweater done for Caitlyn as well as me some socks. That's what I'm really wanting... some crazy socks!